This article was written by Kayelene Kerr from eSafeKids 12/01/2019.
The holiday season is upon us again, bringing festive decorations, twinkling lights, cherished family traditions, and, for many, the joy and excitement of visiting Santa! But as we celebrate this magical time of year, it also presents the perfect opportunity to teach children about body autonomy, body boundaries, consent, and respect.
For lots of families, taking a photo with Santa is a much loved tradition. While the image of a child excitedly sitting on Santa’s knee is a holiday classic, some children may feel uncomfortable or shy, and that’s perfectly okay. In fact, teaching kids they have the right to say “no” in situations where they don’t feel comfortable, regardless of tradition, helps nurture their sense of autonomy and self-respect.
As we guide our little ones through the magic and joy of Christmas, we’re offered a valuable teachable moment: an opportunity to model respectful boundaries and empower children with the tools to recognise and respect their own limits - and those of others.
Whether it’s sitting on Santa’s lap for a photo or navigating interactions with friends and family during holiday festivities, teaching consent is a valuable gift we can give to children of all ages.
Bodily Autonomy
One of the key ways we can equip children to develop healthy, respectful relationships -and reduce the risk of them experiencing or perpetrating sexual violence or abuse - is by supporting them understand body autonomy and consent.
Body autonomy and personal space are foundational concepts for creating a culture of respect, consent and personal safety. These principles are vital in preventing sexual abuse and violence and in promoting healthy, respectful relationships.
I want every child to understand that they have a right to decide what happens to their body - and that others have the same rights regarding their bodies.
Bodily autonomy allows individuals the freedom to make informed decisions and choices about their bodies. For children, we can keep this simple: bodily autonomy means having a choice about what happens to their bodies. Children learn and strengthen their understanding of this when we respect and affirm their bodily autonomy whenever possible.
Personal Space
Personal space - the physical space immediately surrounding someone - is closely linked to body autonomy. Personal space is the distance we maintain between ourselves and others. It's important to note that personal space is subjective. What feels too close for one person may feel fine to another. Our understanding of personal space can be influenced by a range of factors, including culture, upbringing, age, neurodevelopmental differences, experiences of trauma, and our relationships with the people in our space.
Personal space can also serve as an important non-verbal communication cue. The distance we maintain between ourselves and others can reflect our level of comfort. When someone disregards or disrespects our personal space, it can trigger a stress response, making us feel uncomfortable, nervous, scared, or unsafe. These feelings -and the physiological responses that accompany them, such as an increased heart rate - can help us recognise inappropriate behaviours and potentially unsafe situations. Perpetrators of sexual abuse disregard children’s body autonomy and boundaries, so teaching children about these concepts can help them identify grooming behaviors as well.
Teaching children about personal space helps them understand social distance and the different types of touch. Children can be empowered to control their personal space, respect others' space, and uphold the right to bodily autonomy for themselves and others. This understanding enables them to recognise that they have the right to refuse unwanted touch, including sexual touch. Whether in friendships or intimate relationships, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for boundaries.
Along comes Christmas
We know that teaching children about body boundaries - both theirs and others' - is crucial to a child’s growing sense of self, their confidence, and their understanding of how they should expect to be treated by others.
We also know that when we stop hugging, kissing, tickling, or roughhousing with kids when they say “stop” - even if they’re laughing - we teach them that they are in charge of their bodies. We show them that they can say no to anyone, and that their body boundaries should be respected, no matter where they are or who they’re with.
Finally, we know that teaching body autonomy is a powerful protective factor against child abuse.
We know all of this, and then along comes Christmas ...
You're the boss of your body - except when you're getting a photo with Santa.
You're the boss of your body - except when you're seeing friends and family.
You're the boss of your body - except at Christmas time!
It can be helpful to consider how children receive mixed messages about body autonomy, boundaries, and consent. While we want our children to feel empowered, to be in charge of their bodies, and to confidently say "no" to unwanted touch or attention, there are times when we allow them to be hugged or kissed against their wishes by someone they know. We might not always get it right. Acknowledging that sometimes another person’s feelings have been prioritised over our child's comfort is the first step in creating an environment of respect and consent.
Bribes, Threats and Shame
We may hear things like:
“Stop crying, Santa isn’t scary.”
“Smile and you’ll get an ice-cream.”
“If you don’t smile Santa won’t be happy.”
“If you don’t sit on Santa’s lap you won’t get any presents.”
“Sit on Santa’s lap, smile nicely or you’ll end up on the naughty list.”
“Give your grandparents a hug, you haven’t seen them for a long time.”
“If you don’t give ‘insert friend or relative’ a hug or kiss, you’ll hurt their feelings.”
“If you don’t give ‘insert friend or relative’ a hug or kiss, you’ll make them sad.
It’s important not to bribe children for affection or shame them for not giving it. Sometimes, friends or relatives may insist on hugging or kissing a child. You might even feel uncomfortable as you watch your child squirm to avoid unwanted physical contact or affection.
Forcing children to accept affection from family members or friends can inadvertently teach them that some people can touch them whenever they want, even if the child doesn’t want to be touched. This can be potentially unsafe. Try to avoid forcing children into unwanted contact. When we ignore our children’s wishes in these situations, what are we teaching them about consent?
Give children choice and control:
Whether or not they sit on Santa’s lap (some children might feel more comfortable standing next to Santa)
Who they give physical affection to.
What level of affection they give and for how long.
Give children permission to use alternatives:
You can support your child in creating safe boundaries and brainstorming ways they can connect with people without feeling uncomfortable or compromising their body autonomy. For example, we should avoid saying things like:
“Give your grandparents a hug, you haven’t seen them for a long time,” or
“If you don’t give them a hug or kiss, you’ll hurt their feelings or make them sad.”
Instead, we might say:
“Would you like to give Nanna a hug or a high-five before she leaves?”
Managing Expectations:
Managing other people’s expectations can be challenging. Some people will understand when you say you’re teaching your child about consent; others will not. As the trusted adults in our children’s lives, it’s our job to navigate these tough but necessary conversations.
Consent goes both ways:
Consent is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and it starts with the basics: knowing it’s okay to say “no” and it’s just as important to hear and respect others when they say it.
If your child is enthusiastically giving affection to someone else, you can remind them to check in and ask:
“Can I give you a hug?”
It's also important for children to learn how to read consent in others. A useful tool to use and practice is this consent checklist:
Ask - Communication is fundamental to consent.
Listen & Observe – Don’t assume you have consent. The communication of consent can be verbal and non-verbal. Silence, freezing, the absence of a ‘no’, appearing disengaged or a lack of any apparent discomfort, hesitation or resistance, does not imply consent.
Check (if you’re not sure always check)
Respect (you may not like it, but you should always respect another person’s choice not to do something).
It’s important that we also teach children to observe facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and other verbal and non-verbal cues or signs of consent or a lack of consent.
Teach children that if someone doesn’t respect their boundaries or pressures them to change their mind that it’s important to talk with a trusted adult
Managing Disappointment
If we say no to someone and they get upset or angry, that does not mean we should have said yes. We can demonstrate this with how we engage with them when they say ‘no’ to us – and this is also an opportunity to talk with children about managing disappointment.
If someone gets upset because you change your mind, they might say things like;
“But you said you would”
“You promised”
" You wanted to yesterday”
Even if a person gets frustrated or annoyed, you still get to decide. No, doesn’t mean “try and persuade someone to do something they don’t want to do.”
Christmas tis the time to:
There are many opportunities for us to teach and model these concepts. And, there are many opportunities for our children to learn, to practice and to apply seeking, giving, denying and negotiating consent.
Christmas is the time to:
Give children an opportunity to experience bodily autonomy.
Respect children’s body boundaries.
Show children they’re in charge of their bodies.
Let children decide what level of affection they give someone.
Creating a Positive Santa Photo Experience
When it comes to something as seemingly innocent as a holiday photo with Santa, the idea of saying “no” can sometimes be overlooked. The bright red suit, the jolly “Ho Ho Ho” and the excited chatter of other children create an atmosphere that makes it easy to forget that not every child may feel comfortable in that moment.
It’s easy to get caught up in the holiday spirit and try to encourage reluctant children to sit on Santa’s lap because "everyone else is doing it" or because it's a tradition. But the truth is: no amount of holiday cheer should ever override a child’s personal comfort. “Ho Ho Ho” doesn’t cancel out a “no.” If a child doesn’t want to participate, whether it’s for a photo, a hug, or any other interaction, their wishes deserve to be respected.
Ask Before the Photo
Encourage your child to decide if they want to take the photo with Santa.
“Would you like to sit with Santa today?”
“How do you feel about having a photo with Santa?”
Respect Their Boundaries
If your child says “no,” honor that decision. It’s important to let them know that their feelings are valid and that they don’t have to participate in something they don’t want to do. Similarly, if a child expresses hesitation, offer them a moment to warm up or decide if they’re comfortable. It’s not about forcing a smile for the camera, but about creating an experience that feels good to them.
Talk About Personal Space
Santa is a beloved figure, but for some children, the idea of sitting on someone’s lap might be intimidating. Take the opportunity to offer an alternative;
"Would you like to sit on Santas knee or next to him?"
"Would you like to stand next to him?"
"Would you like me to sit with you while you have your photo taken?"
A final thought ...
It doesn’t make sense to teach children about body autonomy and body safety, and then force them into unwanted contact with someone at Christmas time. When we ignore our children’s wishes in these situations, what are we teaching them about consent?
Teaching children about body autonomy, personal space and consent helps them to express and accept physical affection in ways that feel good for them and good for other people. Starting these lessons early helps children define and assert their boundaries now and for the rest of their lives.
The holidays are filled with moments of connection - whether it’s exchanging hugs with relatives or posing for photos with Santa. These moments give us the opportunity to create an environment where children feel seen, heard, and respected. This season, let's make it a priority to create festive memories that are not only joyful but also respectful. Consent doesn’t take away the magic of Christmas; in fact, it enhances it by fostering a safe, loving, and understanding environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued.
As you navigate those crowded Santa photo lines, holiday parties and time with friends and family, remember, teaching consent isn’t just a lesson for the season, it's a lesson for life.
“From a young age we can teach children what consent looks like, feels like and sounds like. We can teach children to set boundaries and express those boundaries, if need be assertively. We can also teach children to accept and respect other people’s boundaries.”
- Kayelene Kerr eSafeKids Founder -
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About The Author
Kayelene Kerr is recognised as one of Western Australia’s most experienced specialist providers of Protective Behaviours, Body Safety, Cyber Safety, Digital Wellness and Pornography education workshops. Kayelene is passionate about the prevention of child abuse and sexual exploitation, drawing on over 27 years’ experience of study and law enforcement, investigating sexual crimes, including technology facilitated crimes. Kayelene delivers engaging and sought after prevention education workshops to educate, equip and empower children and young people, and to help support parents, carers, educators and other professionals. Kayelene believes protecting children from harm is a shared responsibility and everyone can play a role in the care, safety and protection of children. Kayelene aims to inspire the trusted adults in children’s lives to tackle sometimes challenging topics.
About eSafeKids
eSafeKids strives to reduce and prevent harm through proactive prevention education, supporting and inspiring parents, carers, educators and other professionals to talk with children, young people and vulnerable adults about protective behaviours, body safety, cyber safety, digital wellness and pornography. eSafeKids is based in Perth, Western Australia.
eSafeKids provides books and resources to teach children about social and emotional intelligence, resilience, empathy, gender equality, consent, body safety, protective behaviours, cyber safety, digital wellness, media literacy, puberty and pornography.
eSafeKids books can support educators teaching protective behaviours and child abuse prevention education that aligns with the Western Australian Curriculum, Australian Curriculum, Early Years Learning Framework (EYLF) and National Quality Framework: National Quality Standards (NQS).
